Breaking free

Whenever I wrote something related to me and personally me, I had this constraint in me about what will people who know me think about me and other nonsense.

But today I break off from all constraints… I have to get rid of all the pressure that’s killing me

I’m the only child to a Bengali middle class businessman father and a homemaker mother. My Father is quite orthodox, mother…… I dunno, she is too stuck to the tradition that the wife should live in accordance with the husband’s demands.

I belong to a huge family with plenty of uncles aunts cousins. One part of my family still lives in Bangladesh. Rest lives here in India.

Kids generally get lot of attention… When I was born I was the only kid then; I have an older cousin, but she was clinging to her mother all the time and I was the one who jumped on anyone who would take me out. So I got a lot of attention. I got used to it. My parents also wouldn’t leave me all alone anywhere, not even within the house right till I left hometown for college (that’s why I have so much problems living all on my own now in a new city)

As I grew up, all my uncles and aunts got married, now they have their own children, got busy in their lives. The attention got lost. My father, he fulfills his responsibilities of a father, but didn’t really seem to make an effort to build a relationship a father and a daughter generally has.

During the first few years of school, I was an ill tempered, impulsive kid. I often got into fights and got into troubles. My parents were quite strict, they still are. I got hit badly every time I did something wrong.

The attention I was got used to, day by day dwindled. I craved for it. I had friends in school, but sometimes I felt, they actually still didn’t like me much, maybe because of the person I was as a kid. The reason I felt so because in school I saw some real good friends, always together, who understood each other so well, who were strong pillars of support to one another in all ups and downs. They reminded me of friends I often read about in novels or watched in movies or TV shows. But I didn’t have friends like that. Not only in school, now in college too I find myself alone.

I am always misunderstood. Not only by friends but by everyone. There too I didn’t get attention. I always try my best to be a good friend to my friends but still…. I am misunderstood.

My mother too doesn’t understand me. My father…….. I wish he was as good a father to me as he is a brother to his siblings and cousins.

I spent 12 out of 14 years of school life (including nursery and kindergarten) in an all girls convent school. Didn’t require to be friends with boys. And as I said, dad is conservative. So I didn’t even talk to boys from other schools who went to the same tutorial classes. I started speaking to boys when I was in 11th grade, when I shifted to a co-ed school. Even in the new school, I didn’t have “friends”.

Though I have calmed down a lot, but I’m still impulsive. Which isn’t accepted by most. In college, some people were good enough but again mostly my impulsiveness wasn’t accepted.
I befriended with a guy for the first time. I may not be able to share everything with him but still I felt less isolated in the new city. But all of a sudden things changed. We don’t hang around. He behaves differently. And I got affected by it. Now I realise we weren’t even friends. How stupid of me!!

As time went by, I realised, I have become an attention seeker. And when I don’t get the attention I get depressed. I feel isolated, lonely, suffocated.

I don’t find anyone who can understand me. My mother sometimes she understands, mostly she doesn’t. Out of my so many paternal aunts, I have a favorite. But I can’t tell her everything, especially when I’m affected by my father, because she loves my father a lot. And I just can’t explain to her than he is a different person when he is a brother and a different person altogether when he is a husband and a father. I felt his utmost priority is his family, as in, his brothers, sisters, uncles, aunts, blah blah blah. Then comes his wife and daughter. This hurts me a lot.

My mother she has no choice but to support her husband in almost everything. I don’t have a sibling. My older cousins aren’t in India. My younger cousins are too young.

I am left all alone…….

Then isn’t it normal that at times I act insane????

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