Today I watched a video.
Felt Empty And Directionless’ Deepika Padukone o…: https://youtu.be/TwIOrxWT7Z8
It’s a NDTV interview where India’s one of the top actresses, Ms. Deepika Padukone talks of her fight with depression. As I listened to what she was saying, I was constantly drifting back and forth thinking about the emotional swing I go through. She says fighting depression needs a lot of support from family, friends, counsellors, doctors. She also said there is a huge difference between being sad and being depressed. I am not sure at all whether I am sad or I am depressed. I can’t talk to my parents, because they will be too much worried about me, now that I am away from home and it’s not possible for them to come to me now and then. Friends???? I haven’t been quite lucky with friends. So here I am all by myself with just the college counsellor trying his best to help me out.
I was not like this. As far as I remember this all started when I started giving importance to some two-digit numbers printed on a sheet of paper validated by hell of stamps and signatures of various authorities. I was always cool with my studies. I never bothered to work hard. During my class 10th board exams when I scored a little low marks in science after working actually hard for it (for the first time) and faced hell lot of difficulties in getting admission to class 11, I was disheartened. Parents, relatives everyone started drilling into my brain that class 11-12 science is going to be very tough, if I don’t get a good percentage in class 12 I won’t get admission in a good college, I won’t get the subject of my choice to study, I won’t get a proper career, I will land up a mere housewife spending the rest of my life within the boundaries of the house and so on and so forth. Listening to these almost everyday, stressed me up. I started fearing. Whenever I didn’t understand something in class, I would get tensed. People around doing well in studies, stressed me more. Teachers in the new school repeatedly put me down. And i sank down and down. I worked really hard. Still no proper results. I would cry while studying. Panic. Later I would go blank in the exam hall. I leaky flunked in one or two subjects in school exams. Somehow I have my board exams. What happened? I scored worse than I had scored in class 10th. Even in English, on which I had confidence, I got a poor marks. Most of my friends did well. I was one of the few, with pore performance. Once upon a time, my parents, relatives, teachers had confidence I would come out with flying colours. Nothing happened. Lost all hopes.
Now I have no faith in positivity. That’s why even after getting admission in an esteemed college in Bangalore with my subject of choice, I am not fully happy. Even now I am scared. Even now I don’t get the result of my hard work. Lost all drop of confidence.
To top it all, I now feel I am isolated and ignored by everyone. I have no importance in anyone’s life. Nobody cares whether I exist or not. I don’t have actual friends. When I watch some youth based films or TV shows they always a group of best friends, they so understanding, one needn’t say anything, the other understand what he or she is feeling or thinking. Even around me I have seen friends like that. I also wanted friends like that. I believed, until I don’t give, I don’t get. I tried to be a good friend to people I thought to be my friends. But I feel I was never accepted. Whenever I tried sharing with them what I was going through, expecting a helping hand, I got nothing. Either, I would get no response or somebody would say things like “Don’t worry we are there for you” but won’t be there or somebody would give a more blatant answer like “I am not your mom”. It happened once, twice, thrice…. Now I think there’s something wrong with me. It’s my fault that I am all alone. I see my “friends” posting pictures having fun with friends. I can’t. I don’t have pictures like that. I, who loves going out and roaming around, hardly go out. Who will I go out? At home, mother used to always accompany even if I didn’t want get to. Now I have no one. People remember me whenever they think they can use me for something, later, whether I exist or not, no one cares. My parents care because I am there only child. But others have choice, so they just move on. Kicking me out, leaving me rejected.
I don’t even know whether whatever I am thinking is true, or it’s my over stressed up brain talking. Because I am of the notion we all are hypocrites some way or the other. And whenever I trust someone, it crumbles. And I trust people what too easily. Maybe some people just take advantage of that. I was asking myself the question “Why me?” That’s when the speaker or the celebrity who is being interviewed said, “You are not alone, we are all in this together”. Felt a bit better.
But I want to come out of this. I want to live my life, which I can’t with this burden on me.